it’s a bad marrige and i dont feel like writing abt any of it anymore…..fuck

Attending an inter-faith marriage last week, seeing someone’s love triumph, for once, defiance of odds, resilience was special. It took me 8 sets of guests to attend through at home, one MQM ka jalsa baracade to brave, an over-heated car, a friend with a room full of clothes and yet braving her inability to makeup her mind as to what to wear. But the look on F’s face, when we finally reached at mid night, was priceless. Relatives couldnt stomach this unholy\holy match, so friends became her new family.

The conversation these days with the net friends is profound, as elsewhere it’s all about the upcoming event in my life – the ceremony that is. So apart from the goota patha, tailoring and jewelry talk, I am feeling weighed down on and off by the weight of my past, the baggage, the people I let go off recently, they people I would let go eventually…. Because they don’t serve the higher purpose of my life; camaraderie. There have been people who just didn’t have the guts to commit and yet had to go all devdas on me. So there is this bitterness, bitterness of friendships gone horribly aweary. Childhood friends no longer cherished. There are family friends who were about to come with the proposals of their chacha, phoopa, taya, mamoos and now no longer can. So they click their tongue and they sigh…..and I feel irritable on such attitude. This way, life sure is weird. So here are the snippets of some of the profound parts of my exchange with some kindred souls.

H says:
no
all the people who have overlooked
you
don’t deserved to be commemorated
even in memory
even in secret
just let it go

u` says:
women like to be betrayed
internally there is something inside them
they see it but dont act on it

It’s weird who ur status makes all the difference. A sister in law (cousin’s wife) always had issues with my then perpetual single status and always had something hurtful to say on others’ weddings and familial functions. When my second engagement got broken, she was the one to say that it must be all my fault as I thought too highly of myself. But now, she wants my mayoon ka jora to be given to her own daughter (there is this belief that the bride is supposed to give away her mayoon ka jora once she is done with it and if a single girl wears it, she would get married quickly). Ah so simple…I should have done this ages ago…..and shd have simply avoided all the crap I went through….. but the frequent change in status have taught me what years of schooling haven’t….. respect is automatically earned and taken away, it all depends on that ring on the finger and that baby in your belly….such fake values…as it also means that single women, divorcees, and widows don’t count anywhere….

It’s weird who ur status makes all the difference to our society. A sister in law (cousin’s wife) always had issues with my then perpetual single status and always had something hurtful to say on others’ weddings and familial functions. When my second engagement got broken, she was the one to say that it must be all my fault as I thought too highly of myself. But now, she wants my mayoon ka jora to be given to her own daughter (there is this belief that the bride is supposed to give away her mayoon ka jora once she is done with it and if a single girl wears it, she would get married quickly). Ah so simple…I should have done this ages ago…..and shd have simply avoided all the crap I went through….. but the frequent change in status have taught me what years of schooling haven’t….. respect is automatically earned and taken away, it all depends on that ring on the finger and that baby in your belly….such fake values…as it also means that single women, divorcees, and widows don’t count anywhere….

the first thing I bought for my trousseau was the holy quran and a prayer rug. And I saw my future would be’s name written on the quran’s front cover it (the printing press), and I so hope that it is a sign, for it to be all right and for it to work out.

If the book of my life has a title, it would be An Unquiet Mind – A Memoir of Moods and Madness (by Kay Redfield Jamison). People ask me if I am happy by the new development in my life and I honestly don’t know what to say, because I don’t know what to expect or what to dread. Better not to expect anything…

would third time be the charm or my undoing?

Illness can bring you down to your knees like anything. Still recovering from a week long round of puking, fever, motions and cramps. My liver feels like jelly, and naturally, whatever was transpiring along with that bout of illness has been unpleasant, scary and stressful. I seriously went through a purge of emotions while puking my guts out and staying awake in delirium during the wee hours of the night. My numbness is upsetting to people around me…..i cant help it…..

People always tell you to do that. Move on from that job, move on from that experience or this one, move on from that friendship, move on from that relationship…..move on where, to what? That is always the question…..but they don’t know that themselves – I figure. I guess there is no where to go…I guess it’s the journey that matters……the movement, the destination…even if I would arrive there, I would not know if I have really reached, if I have really arrived. And everything and everyone I have encountered were mere check posts…… the waking mind contemplates all that in la la land…my existence and conscience a wakening from slumber or a slumber in wakening? No idea… some times I feel that my conscience would go on living even when I am gone, in some other person’s mind….in some nook and cranny of the universe as an echo…as star dust…we are all star dust, I believe…..

Now back in tanzi land, glimpses from my mortal life:
• The giant aloe vera plant has been salvaged but it doesn’t look as green as before.
• The pregnant cat didn’t like the birthing options I provide her so finally gave birth to 3 alive and 1 still born kitten in the pots of another billi lover.
• I spotted an antique two seater at a used furniture shed. It was intact but worn and faded. After a wait of two weeks and the labor and toil of two craftsmen, it stands today in my living room….part of the vision I had in my mind of what this part of home should look like…..I also envision myself sitting there and contemplating more
• And so I played model to an aunt in her makeup class; she needed a face, I wanted to pamper my vanity….. it was fun……bride na sahee, bridal makeup he sahee……