Cacophony of life

One moment, it takes just one moment to come to believe that every decision you have taken in your life was a lie, that your judgment is not trust worthy, that everything you endured you in fact deserved it, that everything and every one you believed was fake, that whatever you perceived was fake, that every cause you fought for, every principle you believed in was fake, that in some life time in some other entity or shape you must have done something so horrible that you are cursed forever….and everyone who hurt and mistreated you actually had the right to do so, that you deserve more and not less of what’s happening to you in an unending cycle, that you would never find peace, that your testing would never end…..never….maybe only when your life is supposed to end…..what is then binding me to this world of pain and sorrow?

Is it me or would others too find it too odd and freaky to accept that my first fiancé’s family can one fine evening come knocking up on our door, out of the blue, for a casual social visit. It’s been six years since that incident and no they are not even remotely related to us in any way. The middle party that was involved back then has shifted, gone out of our lives. Fine my parents didn’t argue or anything when they broke the engagement unwillingly because I was unable to cope with the lies those people fed us.

…I wasn’t ready to compromise – I was told many times, by parents, by relatives, by many friends. I fought, took a stand on principles. I braved all the shit that came my way…the accusations, the boycott, the silent treatment, the mistrust, the sniggers, the judgments, the loneliness, the workaholic tendencies, the betrayal of a person I sweared my life upon…. the debilitating illness that took away the ability from me to lead a normal life. I bared it all…with resilience, with weariness, I walked tall, I crawled n fours….I carried on…. It took me a lifetime to rebuild my life. It was after 4 years that I was able to trust someone again, I played the gamble again. I lost yet again. The whole drama of the engagement got wound up in a mere matter of months. I moved on…..the relief of how things could be otherwise kept me sober made me carry on…..

Still I am surprised at the nerves of those people…they came two years back in my absence with the proposal of their second son, why? I was a catch and they were regretting that I got away, or they wanted to make amends for their screwing around? Not really! They came to know that my second engagement broke and wanted a deal; my brother for their daughter…my parents shooed them away. I was freaked out but gradually manage to get past it. They made that dramai entry yet again after two years last Sunday. I woke up from my beautiful afternoon slumber on hearing the door bell ring. I was about to get out of my room when my mom peeked in with a panic struck face and told me its blah de blah’s family, don’t come out. But later she asked me that they “really, really, wanted to see me” and I angrily shooed her off. I have been angry on her asking me that. Why on earth they want to see me? Why on earth should I meet them? For old time’s sake? All is well? What about what they made me go through? Am I too unforgiving? I am I too sensitive? Am I unreasonable? Is everyone else on good terms? So for half an hour I was held hostage in my room, dreading, believing, unbelieving, doubting every second of what was going on. To get myself ‘fixed’ anywhere during the past 6 years reinforce me as a loser? Why do I feel like one? I can’t shake that feeling. The first fiancé has a child or two, the person who shattered my trust and confidence has one too. They did me wrong and yet it’s their lives that are moving on; happy or unhappy that I don’t know…there is movement……..the pain and the freak out drove me out of my senses again… shards of a rekindled childhood friendship gone horribly wrong stung even more, gossip from the ex office and about editor bad mouthing me stung even more…. I have been drifting in and out from this state, this daze…. .luckily, good friends are there to hold my hand…… bless them!

Quitted

And so finally I was able to quit. The worst three months of my life. The half day turned into a full day – yet again! I was completing relentlessly the last leg of work. A coworker was fired; the coordinator quitted as well, so it was a long day indeed for me. …I got a revised offer from the boss three days back. Actually, it was the director and his PR team which fought my case and wanted me to be retained. They were happy with the tasks I did for them. So boss offered me a good deal in terms of letting go of the magazine and not having to interact with the editor and just to focus on the creative/content side. I was tempted to accept it; however, I just don’t think I could cope up with the demands and the pressures all these big wig clients put through the PR. Pressures that I coped with all right so far, but I don’t think I could sustain much longer, and that too on a binding contract. I cited familial reasons, which is true because my parents aren’t getting nay younger, their health and emotional problems and lonliness stay…the last rishta scene and how those people behaved shattered my mother’s trust, hope and faith pretty badly….there is no fight left in any of us,…yet we habe no choice or option….but to go on….coming back to the job….so the boss and I parted ways, shook hands, and he even ended up pinching my cheek effectionately – calling me lil miss professional to the boot.  As for the editor, he didn’t know (I think) that I was to quit. Since everyone who interacts with him in this capacity runs away after a few months, I am sure he is used to it. We won’t miss each other  He wrote me another glorious email a few days back in which he alleged:
“Miss….I wonder why editorial meetings are held when editorial policies are not followed. I asked you to find and review a local book and you reviewed a foreign one. Now since you have sent it, please send this book across so I can learn a thing or two from you excellent writing skills…”

The reply I wrote was long, which I regret. I should have been short and terse – wrote something like …. ‘you wanting to learn from me…o la la…desperate times indeed’…then I deleted that…. I didn’t want to stoop down any further to his level. But I realized that the only way to deal with bullies is to bully them back, but even then there are levels to the depth one would stoop in an attempt to fight fire with fire.

People say that he is generally a pain in the ass, treats women coworkers badly, despite having 25 yrs of experience, he gets insecure from anyone and everyone, and especially someone who is able to write …because he can’t write – for the life of him, he just edits and at best rehash stuff which his assistants send him. He has been fired twice from this place and twice from another one. But since he accepts peanuts for his ‘services’, boss wants him around. Locked horns again with the editor on email on the last day then took a deep breath and backed off. 
I couldn’t let him get into my head anymore; need to get him out of my system. Needed to get a lot of things out of my system. The so-called creative manager character, being the lecher he is, was constantly buzzing around me, asking me why I was staying back and why I was in frequent longish meetings with the boss, or why was I looking ‘worried’. No one liked him. The only way for him to glorify his below average work is to put down, criticize and disparage others; his peers, his subordinates. Due to his nosiness, he is called ‘pha pha kutni’ and ‘mohalay ke dai’ by others. Rightly so! Man! This was some toxic place. All the stress of the last day took a toll on my nerves, by the end of the day I was delirious due to work pressure, lack of sleep and low blood sugar. The newbie guy, who jokingly calls me princess annie, took one look at my face, ran outside and bought me some food and water. It takes all types I guess. I couldn’t say good bye to the few people who respected me as a person and liked me for the work I did. I shot off a good bye email to them. I finally exited by thanking the peons for the wonderful task of serving us tea. By the time rushed back home with two shoppers full of stuff from cleaned out desk, I was exhausted. Yet there was a party at my aunt’s house to attend, lovingly set by her daughter for many reasons; my release from the mad house being one of the reasons. We arrived late at the party. I was in no shape to drive so we took a cab and were dropped around 2 o clock by the hosts. And I was so exhausted that I feel asleep shamelessly in the car for the first time in my life and woke up only when we arrived home. Been trying to sleep and rest it off since the past 24 hours but not able to, I am bone weary, feeling tired and defeated. The relief is there but so are other things…all issues, all disappointments, all negative feelings have sort of surged up again and I m feeling drowned…..One sensational job offer turned down because of the odd working hours, a few frustrating experiences, i am back where i was 4 yrs back…..i didn’t realize that there was a second coming to this experience, yet there is…..out into the wilderness again………..