I haven’t lost my mind; it’s somewhere on the backup drive – anon

I know should write something, somehow, keep a record of my maunderings, yet I seem to have lost my mind, or is it somewhere on the backup drive. Fasting puts you on this strange yet surreal mode, where you are aware of the workload piling on your desk, yet besides, the extremely urgent and extremely important, you put off things for another day. There were soul numbing shocking deaths, diseases, orphaned children, arguments, classes where you would go hoarse in speaking, old memories of hook-ups, proposals, severed ties, lack rather the inability to sleep, negotiations, despair, exhilarations, yack therapy,  unconditional availability to friends, favors, passion, tears, late night vigils, monologues with god; all of that punctuating the episodes of my divine life – dashes of brilliance, dots of despair, gut wrenching question marks, solitary exclamation marks, forlorn single brackets……   why am I writing in past tense? I don’t know! I feel blessed yet I feel cursed. In some days, one feeling ends up prevailing the other!

retrospections of the unquiet mind~

Shadows of the suicide following me, regrets, seeing the pain of the sister (my friend) left behind, sharing her grief, breaking her silence. All of that was too much. Then, she also decided to share the reason the suicide with whosoever was interested to hear. She felt, and I agree, mental illnesses shouldn’t be downplayed. Specially the kind of mental illness, a chemical imbalance in brain that is triggered by one-too-many disappointments, societal pressures, and the maddening pace of life. I would not  glorify her in death and say that she was right in ending her life, yet I wonder what else is a person supposed to do who is not strong enough to cope. You are supposed to be, but what if you are not. What if you have fallen down from the horse, and are unable to get up. Our society is increasingly becoming a rat race, the survival for the fittest. The job interviews I went through in the past few days fuelled this thought: what if I am no longer ok going back to / working 6 days a week: 9 am – 9 pm and beyond routine? What are my options then? What if I don’t want to meet clients? An potential employer’s analysis of my personality was: shy, reserved, girly girly, you seemed scared of men, marred by certain bad experiences. It offended me, but it made me think too: I wasn’t like this, when did I mellow down? And is it really a bad thing? I used to be competitive, timings and off days never did matter, I wanted to be on top and was not afraid to work towards it, was leading a team of professionals – all guy team, was delivering results. Moved too fast; got burned out in the process. Ended up being chronically ill and quitting, went on without parting curtains in my room for months, endured darkness, demons, pain. Gradually, got back on the horse, found my feet, learned to walk again, parading around like a winner, even when I felt like I loser.  Learnt to balance my household responsibilities with my career. I have come out pretty ok, but now I can’t take up a challenging job anymore. I have to think about my parents and my own health – the amount of stress I can endure. So I said no, I turned down two chaotic, challenging, dubious jobs that could have taken me to places, or could have gobbled me up, chewed and spat me out; who knows…I am not the same person anymore…I don’t want career satisfaction at the cost of white hair, frazzled nerves and weight loss. And you cant just deviate from your career path in the mid. You can’t take too many chances in your mid career tier. Yet what came out from the whole experience, despite the indecision, frustration, the mismatched expectations, the looming anger et al. was I am good, people want me onboard. Now that’s a nice feeling. This, coupled with my friend’s ability to finally find a lovely rented space after months of futile search, is making me all warm and glowey, as this would give the chance to her family to partially distance themselves from the horrible tragedy that has befallen them recently in the shape of J’s suicide. Even though I have managed to get only 4 hours of sleep in the past two days, my sugar level is enduring and the fasting isn’t affecting me that much. I feel good! Joblessness might be just round the corner, but hey I am feeling alright at least now!