Nothing to Look Forward to

The hectic, maddening weekend is drawing to an end, and I feel all wriggled and ragged out from deadlines, haggling, arguments, annoyances, irritations. Ticking off accomplished tasks in the daily planner isn’t that exhilarating. Waiting to hear on crucial matters isn’t exactly a joy, answering controversial emails and then not getting any form of acknowledgment is equally annoying. But my friend thinks that I shouldn’t wait to hear from such people, as they have the time to raise issues but not to settle them, especially when they have been proven wrong. But it’s a crazy world, where more time is taken in dealing with procedural issues; issues that are caused by other people’s incompetence, ignorance and egos. And when all this is going on, parents at the home front also started acting up because of the construction work going on in house, which have been due since long ago. Hence, getting relief from any side, I have been in a foul mood all week long. Low bp and severe throat infection weren’t helping either. I got up in the morning after lapsing into an exhausted sleep and the first thing that came to my mind was that I have to go to the ‘war zone’ aka office. And it’s a bad feeling, which determines the quality of the rest of the day and the nature of my interactions these days. And as the day is drawing to an end, there is still a lot to be done, but a relief that I can get down the treated mill for a will, and yet the gnawing fear, the empty feeling, that there is nothing out there to draw my energies, my idle moments, nothing to look forward to besides the TV, the sullen faces of my folks. …. The feeling that maybe there is nothing more for me in this lifetime. We think, talk, place so much faith in ‘life after death’ stance, that life actually begins to look like a chain binding you to this world, which offers you no joy, no relief, no smiles, no respite….just a never ending pile of responsibilities and demands, and this horrid nothingness that gapes at you at the end of the day….

Oh, Life is waiting for you: So Messed Up, but We Will Survive

So about that off day I was supposed to be having…well I had it and the flu and severe body ache is still there. Staying at home really isn’t that helpful….you see home doesn’t allow you to get disconnected from the world really: kitchen concerns, the fucking door bell that keeps on ringing; the garbage man, the housekeeper, the postman, those random people asking addresses; my dad’s buddies who drop in randomly; those family friends; parents, who were supposed to be the quietest people, have now become compulsive chatters in their senior years….Well the break just doesn’t come easy……unless your mind and body breaks down and stops functioning completely…..   

So here I am, sitting with a feverish flu at office, working, fuming, cursing coworkers silently and furtively. I don’t mind working in flu, as you see, I mind the politics, the stupidity, the irritations, the expectations, the demands for favors…

• For the 2^nd time, I gave out my personal web address to a desperate coworker (who has ‘known’ behavior problems, throws around uncontrollable fit) who was pleading to my service during the holidays, I paid the cost of it by working till 4am at night, and I am still sure that the person in question is going to cause problems, as she was expecting to receive the work right after sending it – in the afternoon (I checked my email according to my convenience).

• The attempts of certain people at hair splitting minor details and making me look stupid or less credible, in an area where I am not even claiming any expertise. Sigh…..received an email in the morning, innocently CCd to numerous people….. I have just sent out a reply, supported with cross-references to the concerned parties. I felt like adding: you can actually improve the quality of your work (whatever is it that you are paid to do) to an astonishing degree, if you concentrate on it instead of trying to bring others down, all that scheming ways, devious smiles and assholing.

• And whilst I was trying to sort all this out, with a fever raging in my nerves, my roommate’s comment: “Please sort out your desk. It looks unkempt,” made me clinch my teeth and reply very coldly: I am in the midst of multiple deadlines, the workstation looks reasonable enough to me, and I really have no time to accommodate your perceptions.” Since this has been an unlikely tone from me, she was taken aback, slightly miffed and was trying to bring on the temperature of the room saying: “The AC must be bothersome in this flu.” (She insists on keeping it very very high, have always ignored my polite requests. I keep a shawl in handy, in which I slip whenever I feel cold). So naturally, my reply was to her peacemaking retorts: “I am not bothered.”

• My freelance career has fizzled out, so many of my projects have been delayed, rejected, stalled….sigh…it’s hard not to question one’s capabilities when that happens, not to see the parallels of it with one’s personal life and the failures and heartache.
• Speaking of that the personal life’s failures, etc, amusing it is to know that your baby cousin has successfully pulled off her four year romance, is getting married very soon to the love of her life. But the ironey of life is that my dad was forced into writing the sehra for the happy couple, all the while answering the multiple failures of her own daughter’s life. Some days, I grope for patience, for the silver linnings, for thankfulness….but these are only few days…other times, probelms on the work front nad my own health related issues keep me occupied……Maybe there really never was a promise anywhere, that life would be anything apart from this, anything better…..                    

We need some aspects of our life to work out, if not all. So, I am trying to keep my stance, principle-based, as opposed to  work-, family-, friend-based, because all of them, have their limitations, there are days when I find all of them falling apart.  Amidst this despair, the only thing that made me stable was my friend’s words: “No matter what these people do, no matter how many things fail. We will prevail in the end, in akhirat inshallah.”    

 “Life – How many times have you been pushed around?
Was anybody there?
Does anybody care?
How many time have your friends let you down?
Was anybody there?
Did anybody stare? How many time have your friends let you down?
Just open up your heart
Just open up your mind
How many times has your faith slipped away?
Well, is anybody safe?
Does anybody pray?Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we’re alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we’ll survive

How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high?
Is everyone afraid?
How many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we’re alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we’ll survive

She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, not a lie

She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, not a lie

Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we’re alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we’ll survive
All messed up, but we’ll survive
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ourladypeace/life.html

The Vanishing Dream and Fizzled Out Lifestyle

 

Today, I have decided to drive everyone mad, at the floor where my office is, by wheezing and coughing like an engine. Yes flu is here, has been lingering on persistently for many days, joint pains, cramps and what not. And yet I am not taking a sick leave because there is an important workshop to conduct, a stalling project to be finalized and sent to the printers, emails to be written, sucking up and ass-kissing to be done, too many follow-ups and meetings to attend (and by the way, ass kissing isn’t about getting in the good books, for promotions, but just to avoid animosities). During the student life, I dreamt of being a professional one day, the kind with designer specs, a snazzy leather briefcase, a coffee mug in one hand, and a digital organizer in another, a laptop in tote, getting out of the car parked in the individually-reserved parking lot, a nameplate on the office door, etc.   For affording that kinda lifestyle, there was supposed to be a hefty pay check coming in at the end of the month.  I got all of that, by and by, one by one, through working late hours, making sacrifices, working on even when there were personal crises; ill health, law and order situations, civic chaos, all the in laws business, I started shedding all that I acquired over the period time– one by one. It doesn’t matter anymore – the accessories and gadgets.  You work, because you have to.  

P.S: I am thinking about bunking, taking a sick leave and staying in bed, flat out on my back, for a whole day…. i am feeling that tired. Maybe i would do that in the coming week. The flu is just killing me.