Serenading the Senses

What can be a better start to the weekend? A moonlit walk on the track; spending time with a friend or rather reclaiming the thing we used to share (female friend, don’t get any ideas); having scrumptious food; coming back to my room filled with lamp’s warm and welcoming glow and lavender incense burning away in the oil burner; sipping cardamom tea; listening to swanky beats on FM sand the DJ talk; finishing up the last chapter on a great book. This is life…I tell u…and I am loving it. Romancing my own body and soul….     

The Peace in My Heart~

I am feeling better today after a peaceful and restful weekend. My mother is feeling better so I was much relieved to see her moving around and doing things on her own. I am realizing a problem that I am not used to this feeling of peace, as life has been an up struggle hill for a very long time, so it was alien, weird, weird in a good way…but weird nevertheless to feel at peace. And making ur heart re-learn the way to be grateful again for the simple blessings. Considering the way life has been, it has been hard to trust happiness, as the moment you begin to trust, masks come off, hero becomes the ogre, silver linings end up electrocuting you and what not. So I hope that you might understand, if not relate, and forgive me for getting paranoid and psyched even when I was feeling at peace. I ended up looking behind my shoulder for the dagger, asking myself what’s the catch. And I ended up loathing myself for doing that. But after all is said and done, it was a good day and I have said my prayers of thanks to the grand master up there…….

when i have fears~

Being ill myself was least of my worries in the past few days (although I was being tested for dengue due to the red marks on my face), it was my mother’s illness that was scaring the shit out o me. It was an ordinary fever gone out of hand, complicated by medicines…emergency rushing to hospitals, medicines, IV drip administration, medicine, she required my round the clock care and aid in even turning to her side, changing clothes, going to the loo….things she resented because she was furiously independent person and yet couldn’t help because she way too weak. Both my parents are and have always been independent, something that they have instilled in us. Yet illnesses reverse the roles – parents become children; and children have to be grown ups. I learnt that a long time back. There is nothing more sobering in life than illnesses – of your own and of your loved ones. She slept on my bed, while I bunkered underneath near her. Havent gotten much sleep, she didnt want me to leave her even for a minute. I kept my own strength only by lying down often and eating the porridge I was cooking for her. I still haven’t gained back my appetite. And whatever I am eating is only for keeping up the strength. She is better today, so I am sitting and typing this down. It’s hard to believe that this heap on bones and skin is my mother – a once beautiful woman, where did she go, where did my father go? They used to hide me from the cares of the world, and now I have to fend things on my own and defend them as well. She has cried one too many times last night, asked me to forgive her in case for saying and doing things unintentionally, and I have cried with her asking her if I could ever be born or grow up without her help. She is still persuading my dad to draw their will. What do you do when your parents does that, think on these lines? What do u simply do? What can u do? How can you live on and go on? In these past dark days, I have envisioned my whole life, the past, how 10 years back, I was sitting on the same spot, in the same circumstances, ill and lonely, thinking what life and future holds. Would I still be so lonely? I knew the answer somehow. I just didn’t knew heart ache back then, I didn’t knew bitterness back the, I didn’t know how evil, selfish and perverted people could be.  

 I talked about the negative influences surrounding my illness. Well ya, it was followed by working on Saturday and Sunday for the stupid stupid conference, and the equally stupid prospective rishta walas who insisted on coming to see me on Saturday, bcz it suited their schedule. An acquaintance from past saw me at a wedding months back and was beguiled by my seemingly “youthful” appearance. Ya right! Engaged at the same time, around the last year, I didn’t know back then that I have to do the catwalk all over – again. I didn’t know that when I was engaged to be married the first time around. But we don’t know any thing. We don’t know any better. We declare we are not interested in any more in the arrange marriage scenario, and that doest go well; we declare that we are willing to give things another shot; and that doesn’t go that well either. I was told by the middle party to tell a convenient lie that is about my age. I wasn’t willing to do that. the burqa clad ladies frowned when they were trying to calculate my age by knowing the year I did my masters in (yes in our presence), I could have handed her a calculator, as she was too dumb too count it on her chubby fingers (by the way, they ate up “everything” we served them, although they had to go to a “party” afterwards and kept on screaming “plz serve us immediately, we are in a hurry”. And so despite being hugely “liked”, they weren’t comfy with the fact that I was about the same age as their precious dahling brother. And I wouldn’t want to lie, be a lie, live a lie. I was ok with the whole episode, as I am much too secure in  my looks, beauty and accomplishments, despite whatever life has thrown my so far. And belive me, you have to lose everything – everything, in order to find out your true self-worth. I just need my physical strength to be there, and I will slay all the dragons. The future still scares me, being alone still scares me, but we accept and we fight, what we cant change. We try……

down

i am down with fever and excruciating body ache…..it’s no wonder considering the negative  energies that surround me……but my life doesnt make sense to me…..right now…at all….