It takes one messed up dream about a person from my past…..a colorless, 2-dimensional brain fart and I collapsed completely….the intensity and despair was over powering when I woke up, jolted by the door bell. I laid back on my pillow with eyelids fluttering open and shut contemplating on what this dream meant. I dream very sparsely…hence, whatever little dreaming that I end up doing, has the capacity to shake me up to my core due to its absurdity and intensity…just like that of today…I don’t know why I dreamt this particular dream…..May be it was a combination of cough syrups I was taking or maybe the bra was too tight, but the first thought, my first reaction to this dream was that I wanted to die…wanted it all to end right away, right now….because of the despair I feel on having come so far, having made so much effort- those that span years, a significant part of my life and yet I felt that moment that I was standing right where I started. All the reasoning, prayers, curses, tactics, strategies, the philsophization to appease myself – all seem to have gone down the drain. I wanted to cry myself hoarse, wail, beat my chest, spend all that I have had internalized, every hurt, every anger, every desire, every dream
in the feverish half-awake, half-asleep state, I could feel a presence so vividly……a buried memory, a well guarded secret…suddenly surfacing like an old ghost from the abyss of my unconsciousness and haunts me…..it wasn’t the memory…it is its intensity that took my breath away…..and hence began my downward twirl into volcano….an eruption of emotions….an outburst in front of my mom about how I have been feeling abandoned, cursed, unwanted, unaccounted for many years and more so lately…and then the emotional phase out, shut down….I have faced everything in the past few hours, in the past few days…I have faced my deep down fears, slain my hopes, vanquished my desires…. This is how you go on living when your faith gets beaten, when you can feel the strength seeping out of your body from limbs down. The ebbs and flow between faithlessness and faith…..i used to believe in the power of prayers and yet now I feel that my prayers are like birds that have lost their way…..someday they would find their way home. Some day….and I ll get patience….patience to deal with people, when everyday at work seems like an attack, a confrontation. Learn to accept when best friends change – for the worst. Walk away from friends – who are hell bent on the way for self-destruction, so that all that the resolve I am trying to build so hard wouldn’t crumble. What I have felt in the past few days have been the amalgamation of so many strands, so many emotions…..rage, hopelessness, despair, peace and strength, darkness….. life is strange that way – isn’t it? So many diverse emotions…..colors, feelings. U live it, and yet it feels so strange to you! My numerology chart describes how this year, all my efforts should be about bolstering my faith. I believe it, I accept it (as if I have a choice). Gradually – I am seeing the crumbling down of everything that used to work – friends, work, and family. They were not meant to last long – they have lasted long enough – I mean they are not supposed to be forever! It worked in the 20’s. Now in the 30’s (and onwards) I have to learn to accept that things would fail, people would fail. I have decided to let go of my best friend – I would let live in her delusions and let herself get hurt, because in attempting to stop her from herself – the seams of my own sanity have started to unravel. Her ex kept calling me frantically last week and I didn’t pick up. Eventually, it’s between the two of them – and ultimately, it’s between herself – the self that grieves and the self that must transcend pain. I sought someone’s advice on this and he SMSd me back: “When they don’t listen, u let them do what they want, while watching and squirming from the sideline – that’s also part of being friends. And it sucks.” Hell I tried, have tried for years, but can’t go on, I feel selfish for leaving now but have to. A few days back another friend told me that he usually don’t end up saying positive things to me, because of two reasons: Firstly: There isn’t anything that I haven’t heard before, as everyone keeps telling me those, and I may end up asking: Like when? When is it going to work out? Secondly: life changes, for better or for worst, yet it does.
A while i go i was reading this and it made sense:
No one becomes permanently comfortable. Life is not solved. Like a large hibernating animal, it turns on its belly and once again, we have to crawl out from under it. If we don’t move – we die. Hugh Prather – Notes on Love and Courage
And while I am writing all these positive and negative things, all the wisdom in the world and this email lands up in my inbox:
Assalam-o-alikum!!!Is any thing left between us? Answer me in YES or NO. I wanna clear up my mind.
Do answer me.
I mean woha…..if there is some way….some way I can physically go where this person resides….i would just tear out his heart and eat it….koi batlaeyye kae hum batleyeee kiaann……This wot i call post-in-making. Why is my life like a star plus drama? I felt all those buried emotions rising like bile in my throat, crying, breaking down and in the next moment i was like Abbbaee chaaal baldie…..i wont tell u anything, i dont ow it to you, tear the remaining hair out of your skull (comic relief)……Jokes apaart -One part of me says that i should ignore, yet a very small part also says kae i should tell him off…take it all out -anger, humiliation, rage…..but then i think – is it of any use? Is any of it of any use? He isn’t genuinely sorry, he would never be - it’s a ploy of a psycopath……it’s a matter of ego for him…for his family…..i realized the futility of speaking out, externalising my pain to this person who hurt me very badly (after keeping quiet for long), and he wasn’t a bit ashamed or concerned…(and yet i dreamt of Him of all people, after such a long time and effort of letting go – sigh) such breed of people believe not in those principles, morals that govern ordinary people’s life….they r beyond it…….
Now I can’t write any further, this is one hell of a messed up post…..if I tell this to my parents, they ll become unhinged again with anger…..aur unkae curses mein izafa hojae……becuase that’s all they are left with for him. That’s all they can do besides their incessant prayers - for me…..
