Accomplices in Crimes

This Sunday evening, while I wearily was pouring in on pages after pages of work, trying to make sense, correct things on the way, trying to swim above the workload that has been eating away my peace of mind and energies, my cell started buzzing frantically. I got startled…amma got startled even more, ready to roll up her sleeves for a lambasting session, imagining it to be “you know who”. However, it was my friend’s younger sis asking: “Is she with you? Was she with you yesterday?” “No?” “Ok ammi wants to talk with you!” And of course her mom repeated the same queries. Caught in that awkward moment, I didn’t know what to say. My mind was racing bw possibilities and excuses, and being unable to find any; I blurted out the same: “I dunnow, I honestly don’t! No I don’t know where she was yesterday, probably with our other friend. Don’t get worried, she ll be back soon!” Of course then the younger sister informed me that she is planning to make some clothes specifically for my wedding. Sigh!! Then of course I called my friend on her cell to ask: “where the hell r u,
ur mom is looking for you!” She stammered something to the effect: “I am in the parlor!” And I felt that it wasn’t true, had we been such arduous beauty salon-going- chicks, life would have been a little bit interesting and colorful…who knows we might have been away from these quandaries, the empty spaces, the impotent barren situations (but that’s just one of the could have beens – I honestly don’t know why this has started bugging me lately). Since I could guess with she was with, I couldn’t help the accusatory undertones in my voice. I couldn’t help asking and implying, instead of merely informing. I hate it when friends use my name as an accomplice on their alleged meet outs. Or even when they don’t, their families naturally assume that they are with me. It bothered me that I made time out of my back-breaking schedule to go to the gym and she declined joining me. I felt jealous that she is going out and I am not! It’s been this way for many years! I feel jealous that every solemnized and non solemnized relationship I have known has been from a distance…I come to see the distance as a blessing only when it ends….but can’t it workout some day, for once….Ya hosla kaise jhokae, ya arzoo kaesae rokae….hosala jhook gea, arzooo ruuk gaeii…..This accounts for the umpteen plans I make on weekends, alone and with friends – this accounts for all the Saturdays I end up sitting at home because the friends aren’t available, bail out; hence I end up taking my solitary walks, going out – shopping, dinning alone. There is someone with whom she can’t be with, yet he is there, has been there in some capacity (even when he was in a nikah with another girl), who now wants her, wants to be with her, who hasn’t gotten driven away by her bitterness and corrosion.  She finally decided that she won’t marry him / change her religion / leave her family, and yes of course he was upset about it, but he still has pledge to wait for one more year. She has no promises to give….yet he isn’t going away….Yet they are in touch, yet they share, yet they are meeting…. All these years, I have kept telling her: “This isn’t right, isn’t proper. It’s of now use! You come back even more disturbed with the feeling of cheating your family, cheating yourself your values.” But then, have my life choices made me happy? Many a times, I end up loathing this moralistic “holier than thou” streak in me. Who is the better person at the end of the day? What dignity is life allowing us, where every mentioning of my name by the relatives is making my parents avert their eyes, bow down their head, stammer, make excuses….it’s been this way…it’s been this way for years…..

 

 I feel that once should decide things and move on. I hate the sickening elasticity of toxic rubber-band relationships, the cycle of  guilt, hurt, expectations, which ultimately pulls down everyone, sucks every one in. situation analysis, sympathies, accusations, sides….what’s the use. Yet it still is nice to have someone around sometimes…the feeling of being wanted…and not wasted!

 

Yups work is finally under control! I dunnow how I survived the past few days, where every day has been a mini crisis: the work plan being altered yet again  for the 6^th time, our internal hush-hush negotiations, the backing out of some freelancers and dealing with a very very creepy new assistant.

Rock Bottom…Patience…Cribbing About Work & Friends

Rock bottom is a funny term. Whenever you tend to think that you have hit the absolute bottom; the bottom tends to get deeper. The events of the past week have just proven that. Firstly, my neighbor’s wife caused a minor dent in basanti while reversing her car and got away with it due lack of evidence, then the neighbor broke the front light while reversing his other car, and was caught in the act by moi (wanted to sheepishly pay for the 15 cent worth light cap). Secondly, my boss and another higher up screwed up (which is their usual practice), and the affect of their negligence is to be borne by me in terms of workload and chaotic timelines. Despite acknowledging their mistake, they are refusing to fix it up. Hence, after the futility of verbal communication and much time loss, I ended up writing emails back and forth to them, which they refused to acknowledge even. Finally, after the insistence of my mentor, I did something which I never did before. I began CC ing those emails and further communication to the bosses’ bosses. Did I hear from them? Did they take any notice, any action? Nopes. They are occupied with other matters. It was expected that they might not respond and might get annoyed with me for bothering them. Hence, the purpose was only to document things. So when the shit would eventually hit the fan, I could hold an umbrella or at least plan my resignation. And I can foresee a debacle in the coming weeks. The situation is aggravating because I am responsible to hire freelancers as well, yet I don’t have anything in black and white to give them in terms of timeline, workload and payment. These two “society ladies” did the same thing last time around and the year before that, but I somehow was able to bring my contingency plans in action, renegotiated things at all ends and ended up finishing everything on time, tied up loose ends. This time, I was only expecting that somehow they ll learn from their mistakes and wouldn’t repeat the same blunders again but they have made even more huge blunders this time, and they aren’t interested in fixing it bcz their tenure on their respective positions is ending by the end of this month. My boss is going on an official and personal trip, and doesn’t want to be bothered by the plight her blunders have placed me in. The proponents of quality, leadership and education are such a huge mess themselves that it’s not even funny anymore. The last time around, my old secretary and I worked like a team to “fix” everything. Though the boss did end u giving me an “excellent” ranking on this and I fought like hell with another coordinator to give my secretary and “excellent” as well, bcz I couldn’t have done without her help. Even though I won the battle; she still was wooed over by a new and better paying job (good for her, she deserved better). As for me, I had set my own resignation date (for marriage) way ahead of this crucial phase and the workload associated with it, just because I didn’t leave my employers in a quandary, although i didnt inform about my engagement to my current employers unlike the previous ones right away because i wasn’t planning to quit immediately and was planning to finish up all the crucial tasks before that. It was more from the point of view of keeping personal life separate from the professional one rather than deception, as what I saw some other ladies doing (they work, they get engaged secretly, continue working and leave often on a few days’ notice for marriage, leaving everything on the head of those who are left behind). I realized the prudence afterwards, otherwise I have had more people to answer or avoid (as what my parents are doing these days).   They say that transparency of the Niaat (intention) counts. Yet I have seen things flying in my face and in many instances being questioned despite the evidence. Well I have to wait and see about that. Still I am tired of life itself, which just keeps throwing curve balls at me. Maybe I have lost my faith, maybe I am tired. I dunow. Xill, it really isn’t a matter of one guy’s stupid behavior causing me heartache, it’s everything that has been happening long before that…the quality of life being a star plus ka drama. Every hurt, every heartache, every disappointment of my adult life….it has tumbled down like an avalanche and is burying me alive.

I am tired of this nonsense. My work has been providing refuge and at least some structure to my life for the past 8 years, a source of self-reliance – the only source. But even that has gotten disintegrated. I need a small, a tiny space, a moment, where I want to know what’s it like living without this…all these responsibilities, all this struggle to keep being sane, keep being positive, keep moving despite bleeding feet and a bleeding heart. The “tortured souls” around me are funny u know.

Parents & siblings: In set up like mine, the only way a girl is absolved of her emotional and physical responsibilities, when she gets married (she is required to take all of that up in her other house). But as for now, she is to carry the emotional load of everyone else’s around her, manage everything and yet not have any say in things.

Friends: Many of them have taken up the responsibility of telling you other people’s horror stories, as a sort of a strategy of making you “thankful” about your plight. You know what guys, it’s not working. Also, you may work very hard to uplift your own mood and then a friend of yours decide to throw her emotional load on you, making you sink further. And her beau spends two hours eating your head pleading you to do something about his case, while you are trying very hard to enjoy your salad in peace. My answer was: “dude! If I could do something, wouldn’t I have fixed the shit in my life? [my aside]And oh yea, you have forgotten about what i have gone through recently, bcz all you have talked since you have landed is about is you and her. U say that u wanna kill yourself if you don’t get her? Go ahead, do it! Plz lemme eat my salad and bob my head around on the teeny booper music!” Just like another self-absorbed former friend of mine, whose sparse SMSs revolve only around him. For once, why can’t people ask “how are you?” and mean it too, rather than using the phrase like an intro of talking about their life and problems, when in comparison, they still have it better. Oh sorry! Here the comparison ends, also their compassion. If I complain, I am being unthankful; if they are doing the same, it’s ok! Yes i am tired, impatient and plianely bitchy! Go ahead tell me that i deserved what happend to me! All this self-centered happiness and contentnment of people around me ends up giving me a headache. Meanwhile,  I am gathering sea shells at the rock bottom and waiting to sink further.

Random “Ishtuff” in Life’s Bottle

Trapped inside a super mart, looking upon isles and isles of beauty product can be really really overwhelming! Such an experience can make the likes of me feel like a very grungy Alice in a glamorous beauty land, a plain Jane in a stable. As far as my eyes could see, I saw stacks and stacks of cosmetics… racks lined with Colorful and fragrant goo in bottles of different shades and sizes. We – my coworker and I came here in search of a particular shampoo brand for her dyed hair; hence, I didn’t have anything specific to buy. Can I use it all in this one life time, on this one tiny body and face that never sailed a thousand ships (not even a dingy boat)? Wait! Maybe that’s the reason that I am still single. I don’t spend enough time in these beauty shops, boutiques, parlors! I don’t shop enough! More like a creature of necessity than of vanity! Peering in a mirror, at that moment I was convinced that I must be growing old Very very old. And I might be in need of a serious overhaul. I might need to glam myself up. I definitely need half of these products, or else my life would fall apart! I need this shampoo, this conditioner, that soap bar, this after bath lotion, this moisturizing lotion, that sun block, this serum, that deo spray, this dexfoliator, that perfume, this wax strip, that many lipsticks, mascaras, lip pencils, lip balms, this face polish, that bleach cream, that face powder, this compact kit……My head was zooming, my heart racing…..i wanted to grab it all! This cream with crushed pearls, that cucumber and jojoba mask, green almond oil and ginseng twig. I am presuming that if I apply all this exotic goop on my body; life would become great automatically. Men would be buzzing like bees around me….i mean real legitimate men…not the street scoundrels…How simple! Why didn’t I think of this before? Isn’t this what we think, when we part with our hard earned cash for buying a new beauty product? Yet does it happen? Naww…..happiness comes from within. Not exactly! At least not in a consumerist culture. On the other hand, happiness doesn’t come in colorful and fragrant goop packaged in expensive bottles either. Where does it come from then? Dunnow….maybe it’s the promise these beauty products carry is what’s misleading and ultimately heart breaking…playing with one’s insecurities. They play with your insecurities. Insecurities abound in the kind of society we live in…You can join the rat race ….chances are that you would be pushed, sidelined, left behind… …. You sometimes improvise to compete alongside through the sidelines… …you fill your head with positive images and thoughts to compete with your insecurities…. it takes time to recover….a decade…a life time…but then you meet this negative and insecure person…a couple of barbed comments upon your appearance…your lifestyle…your values…more so on your appearance: “you aren’t pretty enough…you aren’t gori….aren’t buxom enough.” Despite getting rid of such naggers and meat mongers, sometimes you wonder if this is what’s really wrong with you! And all of this sets you spiraling downwards again. Such is the “ishtuff” life is made of!

P.S.: Still I resisted the temptation of buying any of the beauty ishtuff being sold in the super mart that day.