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Tagged!

Not sure how it works, but since I was tagged by Mansoor – the man; hence, I must write.

I am thinking about:
promises that are broken – always – people who change, back out – always! Sincerity of emotions that I can never have…..

I said,
“I give a damn!” Also: “Ho he na jaeee!” 2 of my takya-e-kalams!

I want to,
be at peace with myself, with the people around me…

I wish,
I had a cottage by the sea, so I could go for a moonlit walk every morning and night – I swear I don’t need anything else if I have that!

I miss,
no one, missing something or someone is a useless and exhausting emotion!

I hear,
the music in my heart, right now it’s dasht-e-tanhi by Iqbal Bano…

I wonder,
Would I ever be whole and happy again? Happy I am, but in a fragmented way! I guess it’s the wholeness that matters!

I regret,
Nothing – ever!

I am,
a person oscillating between the extreme of emotions and situations – too caring, too ruthless, too sarcastic, too supportive, a believer and a heathen. Ecstatic and Depressive. My life is made of contrasting strands, that’s where my wild energies come from!

I dance,
as in never….just tap my feet!

I cry,
Often – Just now!

I am not always,
in the best of the moods… so I cant be a good company 24/7, but I definitely try!

I write,
what I feel, even if it gets to be too prosaic or philosophical and complex for others to decipher…but then, I am not simple and neither are my emotions

I need,
a break from every where…friends, family- some of the people around me especially.

I finish,
my work or anything I commit to, whether hell comes or high winds. This explains my disregard for sluggards!

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Rescue Meow11

I was taking a walk last night around the block along with my mom in order to pacify my paranoia and anxiety. Just as we were done walking and about to return to the road homewards, I saw an uncanny and somewhat eerie thing. I stopped dead in my tracks and made my mom stop as well. It was quite dark as well and we really had to make quite an effort to make out what we were seeing. What looked like a headless furry creature crawling around was a cat – a regular partially stray feline of the neighborhood. We couldn’t see a head just an unshapely shinning thing, where there should be a head. It took me a while to decipher what was what and what must have happened. He had got his head stuck in a milk shopper or one even smaller than that. Probably, the poor Tommy was scavenging through the neighborhood dumpster for some extra after dinner bite [or maybe his owners threw him out and weren’t feeding him anymore], and he must have slid his head into the bag to lick milk or yogurt and had got it stuck. Now he couldn’t see and/or breathe properly, that’s why he was crawling on the ground and whimpering. Upon hearing the patters of our feet, the poor animal stopped crawling and started meowing in the most gut wrenching of the voice. But he was panicky and frantic nevertheless. The more I tried to coo to pacify him and inch towards him; he started moving away from me. I was also scared of getting scratched or clawed in an attempt to free his head, as he was a frisky cat and didn’t allow me before as well to pet him. Anyways, I finally went to the night watchman and politely requested him to help. I was expecting him to say something like: “What can I do? This is not my job? stuff, etc.” He came nevertheless with me! By this time, another white cat had come and was sitting close to the tom’s shrouded head with an extremely frightened and helpless look, and she was meowing softly. While I cornered the crawling creature in the bushes, the watchman freed the cat’s head from the shopper – though with some effort. As soon as the head was free, Tommy skipped for his dear life, ran and hid under my car, and the watchman went his way! What a relief! I know! At this side of the globe, many people guffaw at the thought of being concerned over an animal, when human beings are suffering too from pain, hunger, death….hunger above all! In a world where we give a human life worth less than that of an animal; there, we don’t consider an animal even a living breathing object….god’s creature and creation. Well consider that these creatures don’t have the faculty of speech to voice their pain….This recount was just a freak accident, but do we ever flinch when our children pelt stones at animals, harass them, make them starve? How can we expect god to be kind and merciful to us, when we don’t show mercy to a helpless creature, any helpless creature? This was a Hadees or Riwayaat? I think the latter. But amidst all the hunger, pain, misery and savageness of war and genocide that surround our world, can I cry and feel sorry for “just” a cat? I almost doubt myself. Almost! Being a human being and to be one in essence is the hardest thing! I am misogamist, many a days I would baby talk with a stray cat than bear the small talk of people around me, gaze at a chirping sparrow or menna sitting on the window sill and wish that my weary spirit would glide with theirs. Away…twit-to-woo- away- away- far away!

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Update: Ya the tom is fine. Now he has started to recognize me and acknowledge my presence with a meowl. He still doesn;t allow me to touch him; however, now he doesn’t run away and come and sit near me and make interesting guttaral voices. In some ways, the animal is better than those ungrateful people that we come across every day. Don;t worry! i am not forsakingo r writing off human beings any time sooner.

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The Color of Loneliness

Tanhai
phir koi aaya, dil-e-zaar! nahiiN, koi nahiiN.
raahrau hoga, kahiiN aur chalaa jaaega.
Dhal chuki raat, bikharne laga taaroN ka gHubaar,
laRakRaane lage aivaanoN men kHaabida chiraagH.
so gayi raastaa tak-tak ke har ek raahguzaar,
ajnabi kHaak ne dhuundla diye qadmoN ke suraagH.
gul karo shameN, baRha do mai-o-meena-o-ayaagH.
apne bekHaab kivaaRoN ko mufaqqal kar lo.
ab yahaN koi nahiiN, koi nahiiN aaega.

Solitude
Is someone there, oh weeping heart? No, no one there.
Perhaps a traveler, but he will be on his way.
The night is spent, the dust of stars begins to scatter.
In the assembly halls dream-filled lamps begin to waver.
Small streets sleep waiting by the thoroughfare.
Strange earth beclouds footprints of yesterday.
Snuff out the candles, put away wine-cup and flask.
Then lock your eyelids in this morning dusk.
For now there’s no one, no one who will come here.
Translation by: Philip Nikolayev

What is the color of loneliness? Steel grey? A deep blue? After 3 weeks of immense fun and partying, almost everyone has departed. Like the circus clown, I have taken off the mask, got off the tarpaulin, wiped the makeup, and have silently crept back into the attic, and I have closed the door behind. I know no one would follow me; no one would come and stay. One by one, I take out off the bejeweled dreams and desires. In my outstretched palm, they flicker and die. I have blown out all the candles, and the darkness seems familiar and reassuring. I don’t need to pretend any more. I can be myself finally. Resign, abandon, claim and be claimed!